Femullet In the Roost

There is a femullet in the roost. It's about 3 inches length on the top, which is flat, with a smooth, 12 inch running board down the back. It comes accessorized with a bossy, commanding personality reminiscent of a a miniature Hitler that hates men instead of Jews. As proof the man-hate I've been shown emails from my mom's yahoo account. The messages most often end in a joke that bashes males. Angry, singular male bashing jokes. She is small, wiry and I have a strong suspicion that she can handle herself in a fight. Really.

So I think you get the picture. She likes the ladies. And I think you understand the dilemma.

I now have competition.

Until recently I had envisioned myself as the sole alpha-playa in the midst of hundreds of lovely octogenarian babes at my beck and call. I walked the walk of a king proudly addressing his servants.

'How're the new gums, Gerty?'
Hey there, Sugar Wrinkles!'
'Who loves ya, Martha'.

I'd fire off trigger fingers and throw out sexy man-winks to the throngs of seemingly hungry-for-me, wrinkle ridden, goddesses. I'd walk at half pace to keep speed with their maxed out Lark scooters, rub their shoulders and whisper into their new-age listening devices. I'd invite them over (while my parents were out, of course) for the weekly Pectoral viewing and Bicep rub down.

I was proprietor of Hobbly Town. King of Depend-ville.

Maybe it is my blatant overconfidence that is making this such a harrowing experience. Yes, it is true. Even the Gods can fall from the heavens. Well maybe I should just take a breather. In reality, there is no proof that the mullet has yet to succeed in touching the hearts of any of my loyal fan base. She has, in fact, shown some affection for my mom, which could work to my advantage. And i think my mom might be into it. Therefore, while my mom temporarily occupies her heart I could grow my flock and extend the fan base beyond the Pelican. I could step up to alpha male for all of South Jersey's 55+ communities. I could sell my services! I'll advertise in the AARP magazine! I'll start a website and take reservations and provide feedback to my customers and allow them to rate my service (5 stars is the only option)! I'LL MAKE AN INFOMERCIAL!

I rock. I feel better now. I'm back. Thanks for helping me talk through this almost-issue.

Knock Knock Knock. I think a Pruny Minx is knockin and Daddy is home.