Prune Juice and Dog Poop

Did the dog poop?

Did the dog poop?

Did the dog poop?

I hear it over and over, incessantly. Every time I take the dog outside my parents want a full report on whether the dog took a dump. God forbid he doesn't dump I get instructed on how to to create a more 'poo-friendly' environment for the little guy. So I've begun responding with a 'yes' regardless of the dog's performance. But I think they're starting to get suspicious. They must think he dumps at least 5 times a day, but it's a loaded count. Sometimes my uncle takes care of the dog. On those occasions he leaves notes that reads: 'pee no poop' or 'poop and pee'. The imperative nature of knowing the status of the dog's bowl patterns seems strange to me. I have to wonder if there isn't a spreadsheet somewhere on their computer called Howie (the dog) Poop Regulation, where they chart the frequency of the dog dumps for quarterly analysis.

It wouldn't bother me so much if Howie could talk. But, without a voice he is unable to communicate or argue with them. I'm not sure he would anyway. He seems lazy and uninterested. Therefore I am the voice of doo doo for the dog. I dub myself, Dog Poop Whisperer.

This is an example of a quarterly review where my parents are hovering above a spreadsheet analyzing the data:

Jane: Last quarter poop decreased by 13%.
Joe: What can we do to increase poop-i-tude? What's wrong?!
Jane: Maybe we should hire a consultant.

I feel bad for the dog being scrutinized during his private moments. Sometimes I find some prunes (frickin gross) on the stove in a small pot. On those occasions I may start asking my mom if she pooped. Maybe she'll begin to understand how the dog and I feel.

(Editors note: Of course I have problems with the use of the word Poop and Pee-Pee by adults. I am doing my best to offer an unbiased, 3rd party perspective of the situation.)