I love God. I really do.

God gave me a hangover the day after my high school reunion. He had tested me and I failed. He threw the kitchen sink at me and I broke down laughing. Drugs, sex, depression, gambling, failure, misery and I hadn’t even gotten past the front door. C’mon, Big Guy! He gets to make kids retarded and I can’t laugh at the people inflicting retardation on them? Seems a square deal.

So, thanks to God’s decision to give me a hangover, I feel that I have every right to highlight my night’s experiences in detail including names and life story. But because I am an intelligent person I realize that my anger is between his holiness and myself. The good people of Brighton High School have nothing to do with this mess therefore I will use rhyming substitutes:

Beffanie Birby- Beffanie traveled in a killer trifecta including Pandy Pliers and Sven Prank, the most verbose of the trio. Sven came out swinging and I was defenseless, she didn’t give me a chance having responded to 'How are ya?' with a train-wreck-of-a-tale. How can you defend against the uppercut: her husband (another esteemed Brighton graduate) had taken out thousands of dollars of gambling debt in her name. Body blow: he proceeded to take out $5k more for good measure after they mended their wounds from the uppercut. Knock Out: She’s six months pregnant. Pandy was a pleasant enough conversationalist until she began talking about her failed attempt at an acting career in NYC. The delivery was long, dry and was lacking humanity. No wonder the Broadway Crowd didn’t buy it. But Beffanie was just as nice as in high school. Looks like she just fell in with the wrong crowd. That'll learn ya, Birby.

Mackie VacClain: She still eats at Mama Nuccio’s pizzeria? I hadn’t heard anyone refer to that place in a decade. It's likely that she plays a game of three of Kung Fu master while waiting for her pie to finish. In her defense it's only when her fat husband comes to town.

Framien Nomeo: He enjoyed throttling innocent people in high school as he does today. Yes, today he’s a cop. Surprised? This is exactly what he said 'Yo. Me cop now. Me surprise you? Freeze!' He's huge and scares me so I froze and wept.

Migs: Although this is his real nickname I’m not worried. I am positive he can’t read. Blaspheming the word ‘entrepreneur’, this guy wore a train conductor’s hat and was hopped up on goofballs the entire night ranting about just getting off his shift. If having your own section at the Denny's makes you an entrepreneur, then I was Mark Cuban in high school (hi Mags).

Goey Wallagher: After having taken 2 bong hits every day of his life from high school through college, (editor’s note: Goey didn’t go to college) he really dug in dhis heels, looked inside and stepped up to bat. Today he’s up to 5 bong hits daily before going to his shift at Bennigans.

Pooter: If your name was Pooter you’d have a chip on your shoulder, too. Although his name actually only rhymes with Pooter, it’s just as bad. ‘Hey Thor, Pooter and Brucie are coming over for martinis!’. Get the picture? The solution: lifting weights, tattoos and bartending. Smiles not included.

Mave Stingram: you really have no choice but to feel bad for this guy. After dumping his 'stank ho wife' (his words) of six whole months he was connived into working out with some ‘UFC’ fighters only to find out a month later, when he emerged from his depression, that he was a towel boy at a local bath house. He had no memory of the preceding 24, doo-doo filled days. Ewwww.

Rames Snooch: 33 and lives with his mom. Loser.

Derek Hoop: Drum roll, please. Silence. This is the fantastic stuff. Having spent 17 years smoking weed, drinking booze and blowing lines with out sleeping, this chubby Robert Downey Jr. proclaimed his sobriety in true style… while sipping a Seagrams 7 and 7. 'Clean, not sober' he said. He interjected occasionally to describe how terribly messed up he had been and luckily only fell off the wagon once in seven months. Maybe his drink was in celebration and symbol of seven months of almost being sober!

Shine on you crazy diamond! I have risen like a Phoenix, looking downward into the gullies and canyons of the lives of Brighton High.

So take that God. You 15,000,231. Me 1. But I’m on the board!!