'I live with my parents, too', he said.

I am not alone. There is another here with me. He lives here with his parents, too. Today he found me. And he is a douche bag.

John: Hey! Are you Jane and Joe’s son.
Me: (Confused, I size up this chap. He’s wearing a t-shirt with the neck ribbing removed exposing his burnt red neck in contrast to his pasty white upper torso skin.) Ummm, Yes.
John: I’m John. I live with my parents, too.
Me: (Recovering from the near verbal thought ‘You know it doesn’t make us friends, right?’) Oh yeah? Cool.
John: How do you like it here?
Me: Well, it’s yellow. I guess. Kinda sucks…
John: I love it. I never want to leave. This place is great.
Me: (smirking, thinking that this is great material and I should be so lucky to have his wit and timing… then, realizing that he’s DEADLY serious) Yeah it’s not bad. The river. (looking toward the river). Trees. (looking at the trees).
John: My parents and I bought our place together. I have a girlfriend. She’s going through a divorce and her husband is being an asshole. So, you know.
Me: (I did not know and did not portray that I knew)
John: (fishing for a response) I was out on the river looking for that kid who drowned the other day.
Me: (Obliging) Oh. You a fireman?
John: And an EMT and I work for a pharma company.
Me: (Thinking: the only job this guy has with a pharma company is part time Algernon) Oh. Cool. (Thinking: Let him talk. This is gold!)
John: Yeah. I go to school all the time for EMT. I’m really trained. They hire guys with no experience but when I walked in the door they were like ‘you gotta be kiddin me! You’re hired!’. The township is trying to weed out all the trash EMTs. (indicating that he is NOT one of the weedees)
John: What do you do?
Me: I work for a company that makes iPod accessories. (Thinking: if he was a girl I would’ve said that I own the company)
John: Oh that’s cool. So my girlfriend’s divorce is really bitter and she’s taking care of the kids so… (he trails off but is clearly implying something about the convenience/cool situation with his parental living arrangement because it affords him freedom from the hassles of his GF’s kids)
Me: That must be tough. (Having no clue WTF this guy is talking about)
John: (Looking back toward the BBQ) I’m not really a partier.
Me: (I take a gander at the party. A chair circle of ten, 50+ men and women including two parents, a wheel chair and a motor chariot) Oh yeah?
Me: (Reaching my discomfort level, I find a gap in the conversation) OK well I just have to go say hi to my parents. Good to meet you.
John: You too.
Me: See you around (Thinking: Please god no)


I wonder if John is typing his version of the conversation for his blog. Below I've written a rough draft of how I believe John might have perceived our interaction. And, yes, I've made some assumptions.


Title: People Love The John

John: (There's the guy Mom was talking about, walking over to the party. Why don’t they ever invite me?!) Hey, are you Jane and Joe’s son?
Jamie: Yepper. That’s me. Right-O!
John: I’m John. I live here, too. (And I got it made!!)
Jamie: Wow. That’s awesome!
John: Yeah, it IS awesome. Is it not, my friend? (I can save this guy’s life if he collapsed right now)
Jamie: Dude, this place rocks the party.
John: I am never leaving. (Is anyone dying?)
Jamie: Me neither.
John: Want to come up to my place to check out my trophies? (I should have said ‘awards'. Stupid!!)
Jamie: HELLS YES!! But First I have to go to this stupid party.
John: Well, you should knock up for me when you are done. (Trophies always knock ‘em dead!)
Jamie: Awesome-O.
John: Awesome-O. (I can’t wait till someone’s heart stops and he sees me in action!)
Jamie: Friends?
John: For life! (1 down, none to go!)